heavenly glory through music and the spiritual realm

I love writing music.  I've been composing a lot lately.  It's amazing how much better "my" music sounds when it's improvised praises and worship to God.

I spent a couple hours in Borders today just reading this book called "Angels Assigned."  The subject of angels and heavenly beings has always fascinated me.  Harmony was able to explain the different types of angels so well, guardians, protectors, warriors, messengers.  She has the gift of being able to see them, which is totally rockin.  The spiritual realm is a complex and interesting world.  It's around us all the time, and some people are fortunate enough to get bored with the physical world and see into this heavenly, spiritual realm.  I've only explored what God has shown me... mere glimpses of this heavenly place.  It's truly miraculous.

I spent over two hours talking to Nadine on the phone today.  What a gem.  She is so intelligent, wise, and sweet.  Lord, allow me to pray for her and all she is going through.  Love this girl.

Carry these burdens I have.  Help me read Your Word daily, and grow and listen to Your voice.  I LOVE YOU.  Help me live every step and every breath I take glorifying you Lord Jesus.  Father God protect me, help me write music that honors You and You alone.  Thanks for your glimpses of heavenly glory.

Your child,
Kelly

some pictures from Israel and Egypt, Nov. 3-20, 2009

Jordan River, baptism renewal kissing sphinx in Egyptsunset in EgyptDad, Mom, and I at the pyramids in Egyptsunset at cruise on the Nile Rivercamels in EgyptWestern (Wailing) WallDome of the Rockbeautiful sky in Israel

a listening ear/ harmony

I have been longing to hear God's voice clearly for a long time.  I've felt periods of silence in my life, and I feel a bit of that now.  I'm seeking direction for my future.  I recently wrote a song called Unsure.  It is about being unsure about the future, and about life, but knowing that I'm sure about the future God has for me.

Sometimes I feel like God is the only stable thing in my life.  Everything else is so uncertain... my career, future relationships, future living situations...  Ultimately I have to concentrate on the present, and find joy in all circumstances, even in the most difficult of times.

I need to keep a listening ear open to what God may tell me.  I'm trying to spend daily time in the Word and seek God harder than I know how.  Sometimes I fail, but that's when I'm learning to let it out and cry about it, but then not to dwell, but instead to move on and move forward, trying my hardest not to look back at my mistakes.

Harmony, if you ever read my blog, I can't tell you how much I miss you.  Zimbabwe is too far away.  It's so hard not to be able to get ahold of you on the spot, like when you lived here.  You give such great advice and possess so much wisdom.  God has gifted you over the top girl because you are not afraid to ask and use what's been given to you.  You have touched me on a deeper and more spiritual level than anyone.  Continue to use your gifts.  They are endless.  You use your name well, by bringing harmony to the lives of people around you and through your music.  I could go on and on, but bottom line... I miss you, and you are forever my sister in Christ.

Readers:
When have you felt uncertain about your future?
Did anything become clear to you?  If so, what?
Did you turn to anything/anyone for help?
If so, what help did that thing or person give you?
Did you turn to God for help?
How did God help you?
Do you have a friend, like Harmony for me, that has been there to give you encouragement and advice?

Israel, Egypt, and a Prayer to God

Sitting here on a rainy day, I've come to realize how much faster and more enjoyable life is when I'm doing things. I went to Israel and Egypt November 3-20th and had such a great time! My favorite story is that there was this old man in Bethlehem who was the boss of an olive wood shop. He saw me and said, "There are beautiful women in America. I will give your father 500 camels if you marry my son." I told him jokingly, "Well my dad's right up there. You can go ask him." I told my dad what the man had said, and my dad replied, "500, no, 600, yes!" It was the running joke of the tour. We later talked about how it would be hysterically disappointing if he shipped 500 camels made out of olive wood to home to Santa Barbara. But, if they were real camels, what would we do with them? I recommended we put all the camels in the stables near the llamas, across from Luther Glen near Camp Yolijwa and give camel rides to the campers to raise money for camp. haha. It was a pretty outrageous plan. Needless, to say, I will not be marrying a random Israel stranger's son.

I applied to Fuller Theological Seminary as a possibility for next year. I'm not sure if this is where God wants me next year, but it's worth a shot if nothing else comes up. Plus, I know I'm supposed to go into ministry, and this seems like a pretty fair option... okay more than fair. So, we'll see what happens with that.

Laura and I are throwing a Christmas party this Saturday and the weather forecast says it's suppose to rain... boo! Hopefully the party will be just as fun and eventful despite if it rains or not.

Another cool story about Israel and Egypt is that we had a healing service for my dad on the Nile River on a cruise ship. We were on the top deck and Pastor Harry anointed my dad's head with oil, we prayed over my dad and laid hands on him, and we all said the Lord's prayer together. Pastor Harry and another woman read from the book of James, in English and Spanish. Lord, help my dad and his unbelief that he will get better. Even if getting better means that he will not lose hope in life nor in you Lord Jesus.

I would like to end with a prayer...

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you for life, and the chances we get to save the world and make the world a better place. Thank you for the gift of Your forgiveness, love, and compassion. Help us to show these things to the people around us who have not seen your goodness. Bless the poor in spirit, the meek and the lonely. Heal the sick, the oppressed, the hungry and the needy. Let the people of this world change their ways to see, know, and worship You, our Lord, Jesus Christ. Heal my dad of Parkinson's Disease, help my sister to come back to and to know You and love You and long for You Lord God. Help my mom's confidence and turn her passivity into strength. Help my best friend's insecurities to turn into confidence about her body. Bring these beautiful people Your love, oh Lord, for it reaches to the heavens and stretches to the skies. Thank you for my faith but help my unbelief. Give me confidence, comfort and wisdom this Saturday as I'm set to do something challenging and vulnerable. I love you Lord. In Your name I pray Lord Jesus,

AMEN!

sometimes God slams doors, and opens a window a crack just to breathe

I feel as though I've been trapped in the presence of my own home. I love the condo I live in, and only recently with my housemate Laura, has it really become a place I call home. But I did not expect to feel trapped. I asked God to close doors (opportunities) where He did not want me and where His path for me does not lye. I assumed He would open a window or another door for me by now, but it feels as though not only is God closing and shutting doors right and left, He is slamming doors, and maybe opening the window a crack just so I can breathe, but not go through. I am referring to the jobs I have applied for, the friendships I try to continue, and the desires of my future.

Yes, I know God has a plan for me. I know. But, I'm not getting a glimpse of it. I applied and interviewed for a youth director job. That door closed. I applied for about four nanny/babysitting jobs. Those doors have almost all closed too. I applied for a couple jobs at Westmont. Those doors really slammed hard! It's not that I feel that no one wants me, it's that I haven't found where God wants me. It makes my heart cry out in pain and drench my face with water. I'm considering seminary, which means I'm opening myself up to every possible vulnerability I have. A tough academic load, growing and stretching of my faith, moving to a new place with no friends, yet trusting that God will carry me through.

The majority of my friends have moved, either out of the country, or to different places around the U.S. My best friend is my saving grace because she is still here. There are friends that just have not made the time nor effort to see me, although I have tried with them. There doesn't seem like a possibility of a romantic relationship anytime soon. I just don't know where nor how to meet Christian guys around here. I like one guy, but I don't think he is interested in me, nor does he live close at all. Another door shut. My sister has been really upset with me, thinks I judge her, and even told my mom, "At least you have a brother who you really love." I'm sad my sister doesn't love me. That is a slammed door to the heart. I hope she knows I will always love her, I don't judge her, and love her unconditionally for who she is.

On the upside, I've been reading some great books. I finished Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. Great book!!! I'm currently reading three books, one of which is The Shack, by WM. Paul Young. It's captivating so far. I recommend them.

I'm trying to better listen to God, to read His Word more frequently, to pray with a more listening heart, and ultimately be filled with the Holy Spirit. I know God has a plan and a purpose for my life, and all I pray is that I'm following Him the best I can. I love you Lord.

When have you ever felt "doors slamming" in your face or in your heart?

What windows or doors were opened instead?

What positives came out of that experience?

How did God lead you through the open door He wanted you to go through?

Did you go through the open door?

beauty

Beauty. One word. What is the first thing you think of when you hear this word? Physical appearance? The inner soul? I'm willing to bet that most people who say, "He/She is so beautiful," are referring to the person's physical appearance. But what is this mirage? And what does this say about humanity? Other words used to describe attractive physical appearance are hot, hansom, sexy, cute, pretty... the list seriously goes on and on! But when I say beauty I think of the person's inner being, the person's inner soul. Yes, there are people I think are attractive in appearance, but how much of this outer appearance reflects who they are as a person? I have seen very attractive men who catch my eye, but as soon as I hear them start "swearing like a sailor," or smoking, or whatever else turns me off I question my reasons for seeing them as "attractive" to begin with. What the eye sees is deceptive. You cannot tell the beauty of a person by what he/she looks like. Like "love at first sight?" Sorry, but this is lust at first sight. How would you know you love a person just by looking at them? Think about it... hmm...

Focus on that inner beauty a person possesses. My friends are truly some of the most beautiful people I know. The way Brittney looks at humanity and wants to help save the hurting women in the world. Or the way Tess (Theresa) literally wants to change the world through teaching and medicine. Look at Laura who wants every child in the world to have an education and travels all over the world evangelizing and teaching. Or Harmony who moved back to Zimbabwe following God's call to work with her church and teach music to kids. Or the joy that Anthony Eder shares through his words, actions, and smile. Rachel is moving to Asia to learn more about business and speak Mandarin so she can communicate with different cultures. I have never seen anyone love the way Aimee loves and is open to different ideas. Betsie's humor and friendship have meant more than anything to me. Camp and my SIT crew have brought more joy and beauty to my life than anything else. These are just a handful of beautiful people. I could go on about how each of my friends have touched my life and have changed my world.

The most beautiful person in the world is the person that follows God's call and strives to serve Him in every way possible, loves others more than he/she loves him/herself (the selfless person). This person loves so genuinely and is his/herself in all circumstances. S/he is not afraid of what others think, and has the confidence to stand up for what is right (the confident person). I am far from the most beautiful person in the world. Yes, I try to follow God's call and strive to serve him in every way possible. I definitely don't love others more than myself all the time, although I do try my best to put the needs of others first. I wish I considered myself a highly confident person, and I wish I could be myself in ALL circumstances, but the reality is this is the ideal, and no one can live up to being the ideally beautiful person. Why even try to be perfect when, guess what? We can't be! God is perfect. He is the ideal. He is beautiful!!! More beautiful than we could ever imagine or we could ever see! I have never seen God face to face but I know the day I do, I will fall even more madly in love with Him, for His love and inner beauty is so passionately selfless, and so ridiculously perfect and genuine. I never knew I could feel so much love. Most of all, God's beauty has touched my heart in its deepest place... the corners that could feel nothing at all until He brightened and lightened them with His compassion, forgiveness, joy, peace, trust, grace, BEAUTY, faith, hope, and L♥ve.

So, people of this world, look for the beauty of people that is rarely seen nor tapped into. The inner beauty of the outerly unattractive person (outerly is not a word but it works here). The inner beauty of everyone for that matter. And especially the beauty of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

What inner beauty do you possess?

How does your outer appearance and inner beauty differ? Of others?

When have you judged someone strictly based on outer appearance?

What beauty do you recognize in others that others miss?

camp faith story

Camp is one of the most inspirational places I have been. I grew up going to El Camino Pines nearly every summer from about 3^rd through 9^th grade. My most memorable experience was confirmation camp, the summer after 8^th grade. I went up with my youth group, and on the night of the last campfire a pastor gave an inspirational talk and asked us if we wanted to rededicate our lives to Christ. I was inspired by the pastor’s words and felt called to make this commitment. I received a black wristband, along with many other people who came up. I sat back down at the campfire, looked up at the stars and began to cry because I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit deep inside of me. I felt this overwhelming peace and understanding from within, and knew that God was carrying all of my struggles and that everything was going to be okay. I still wear that wristband today as a reminder that my life is dedicated to God. It is one of those moments that I will never forget. The theme verse of the week was Micah 6:8, which is, “He has shown thee, of people, what is good, and what the Lord requires of thee. But to do justice, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God.” This became one of my confirmation verses when I was confirmed the next fall.

About six years later I found myself working at camp as a counselor. This was my fourth summer working at camp, and this time as the staff in training program director. I trained high school students to become future counselors and leaders.

What can I say? We have a blast a camp. It is so much fun. We are a close-knit community of believers. The campers learn about God and grow in their faith and are able to simply be themselves. The counselors are fun and outgoing, and their energy is contagious. Camp is a place that inspires kids. It stirs in them a longing to pursue God in their lives and to pursue their faith in all circumstances. They learn how to love others who are different from them because every camper is unique. Camp is about acceptance of who we are as children of God, and I can’t think of a better place, than at camp, to learn about the one who created us all. The relationships built at camp are truly life lasting.

Also, kids do not get to spend enough time outdoors. They are inside for school, when they watch TV or play videogames, but at camp that all changes. We pursue and enjoy the beauty of the outdoors. God’s creativity captures the kids when they step foot outside.

Here's just a quick story as I wrap up. There was a camper who at the beginning of the week, it was clear he did not want to be there. He was a high school football player, a “big, tough guy,” and he didn’t seem to want to talk about much when he arrived.” The week transformed him. We went white water rafting and I could see him open up and become vulnerable as he let down his guard. By the last day, he was telling everyone to keep in touch and that he would miss camp. This is just one story among many of how camp works in kids' lives. It has a lasting impact, as kids gain confidence and learn about discipleship. Camp has been a huge blessing in my life, and I see it bless so many kids.

http://www.lrcchome.com

This is the home page of Lutheran Retreats Camps and Conferences. Check it out!

In search of direction...

Ever feel like you lack direction? That's kind of where I'm at right now. Yes, I know God has a plan for me, and yes I know that things will work themselves out. I'm currently looking for a job and right now with the combination of the economy and my music degree, I'm finding it difficult. I found a job at a preschool I thought would have been perfect, but they hired someone before I came back into town from camp. I was in contact with them since April. Then I found a couple jobs at Westmont that looked like possible opportunities but my first choice position there closed, and my mom, who started working there this week, said they are already interviewing my second choice position there. The job market is practically non-existent to BA music degree students fresh out of college. At least, if I want to stay in my hometown. I asked God for direction at camp and God told me, "If you look to things that don't matter, that's what you will find. But, when you look to things that matter most, that's where you will find Me." I have nothing to do but place my trust in the Lord, and work hard in finding what I can for now.

I majored in music, voice being my primary instrument, because I loved to sing. That's it. Yes, it's that black and white. I don't want to be a performer. I'm not even sure if I want to teach, but it is a possibility. Now that I'm done with school, I wish I would have majored in liberal studies, to become a teacher, or something specified to an occupation such as music therapy, or music education, instead of just plain music. Don't get me wrong, I worked my butt off for a "just plain" music degree. Piano proficiency, history of western music, I could go on...

I'm working on a CD right now. Very amateur. I've recorded all 17 of my songs on garageband. I wrote half of them. You can hear the buzzing of the cheap computer microphone in the back of all the songs. Some songs are with my friend Sean on the guitar, or Laura on flute, others are duets, or covers, even some small group stuff we actually recorded in a studio. I've titled the CD "faith child." I love music, and I love singing, and I love composing. If I could get away with making a living writing music, and singing and recording it, without having to do concerts or be famous, I'd do it in a heartbeat. That is if people actually liked and wanted to buy my album. haha. But hey, I think most of it is pretty good.

But, what does God want me to do with my life? That's the right question to ask. What is my calling? I know it's with music, kids, and ministry. I thought since eighth grade I was supposed to be a pastor, but now I've discovered that there are so many forms of ministry, and that they do not all come in form of a pastor. It's still an option for the future though, I just don't think the timing is right, right now. God has given me the gifts of compassion, gentleness, kindness, singing, working with and relating to kids, as well as faith, and sharing God's love. My questions for you God are, "What is my next step? Where do you want me next? How can I better pray to hear your voice, and discern where You are calling me? How can I truly listen and open my heart and mind to what you are telling me?" I prayed for patience a lot after my freshman year of college, and now people say I am a patient person. It took patience before I got an answer of how to be patient. Be careful what you pray for... but... pray for it all the same. God knows what's on your heart. Why not ask for His help?

What do you need direction for in your life?

How can you better listen to God?

What are your gifts?

Do you/how do you ask God to help and guide you?

Homosexuality: Acceptance and Love within Christianity

Camp over the last four summers has shown me truly unique and interesting people. A handful of these people are gay and lesbian. These are my friends, amazing Christ-centered individuals, who love God and are joyful leaders beyond belief. I have had the opportunity over the last few summers to talk with four of them about their sexuality. After one of them told me that he dated girls earlier in his life, I told him I didn't understand that. Why would he date girls if he was not attracted to them? He told me, "Kelly, you have to understand. It's not easy being the way I am, it's difficult." It's so different from the ways of the world. Each person I talked to who is gay or lesbian, has told me one clear thing. It is not a choice. "How could God create people gay though?" I wondered. One of my pastors brought up a good point. "They did not choose to be this way. Why would people choose to be so opposite, so backwards, so different from everybody else?" The world does not understand their ways, their differences...

This is such a gray area for me. I went to Westmont College, a small conservative Christian college (1,200 students), but grew up in the fairly liberal ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America). My parents are conservative on the issue of homosexuality, my sister liberal on it. I, on the otherhand, am still figuring this issue out for myself. I used to believe that being a homosexual was a choice. Now after talking to my gay and lesbian friends, I believe it is not a choice. I am a straight female and I'm comfortable with my sexuality. I am and always have been attracted to men. All I can do now is love and accept the homosexual person for who they are. Should I try to change them? No. Should I condemn their behavior? No. Should I judge them? Of course not. I don't know if this issue will ever be clear cut in my mind.

Like the issue of should women become pastors? That one is black and white for me. Obviously, yes! Women are amazing pastors. Although many of my conservative friends disagree, sadly! Should homosexuals become pastors? In the past I may have said no. The Lutheran Church now is discussing and has been for some time, whether or not practicing homosexuals should become pastors? Why not? Even if homosexuality was a sin, and I'm not saying yet if it is or is not, we all sin. What would be the difference in hiring a person with an alcohol addiction, or a compulsive liar? These are sinners. We all sin.

So, is homosexuality a sin? The Bible says in Romans and 1st Timothy that it is. The Old Testament also says it is. Who can argue with the Bible? Then again, it states that women should hold their tongues and not speak in church. Back then it was because they were "not educated" as well as the men. I have also heard the argument that men should be "the head" of the church, or "the head" of the family, therefore, in the church family, some believe women can be in ministry as long as they are not the head pastor or senior pastor. A professor of religion at Westmont College told me, "Why stop there? Why let women be pastors, but not senior pastors?" Look at how many women are on the church council, or who hold positions in the church. Pastors, Sunday school teachers, youth directors, and so much more! Times have changed. There are so many examples of strong, influencial women of the Bible. How can you say they should not lead the church? Excuse my rant and tangent. If I'm this passionate about women being able to be pastors, then why not homosexuals too?

Now, back to homosexuality. This is an issue I have pondered all my life, going back and forth on so many thoughts about it. I would think to myself, "It's a sin. It isn't a sin. Well the Bible says it's a sin, so it has to be. But these people, these Christ-centered, God loving people are telling me this is the way they were made. Is it a choice? God could not have created people gay. My friends and every homosexual person I have talked to say that this is the way they are. They have not chosen this. They were created this way. And, I know God loves them just the way they are."

That's what we need to take from this. We should love and accept homosexuals just like we love and accept everyone else. Some hide the way they are. Why? For fear of rejection. For fear of being the topic of gossip. For leaders in the church, for fear people would leave the church. We welcome you in our church, the ELCA. Come, learn about the Good News of Jesus. Come, just as you are to worship! You are a precious and loved child of God. You are perfect the way God made you. May the peace of Christ be with YOU always. YOU being every created person.

Please comment. I am completely open to hearing what you think and have to say. I invite your open and honest opinions.

camp goodbyes

When I took the position as one of the staff in training program directors, I never realized it would be the best summer of my life. Saying goodbye was even harder than I realized. When John left us yesterday I cried in the airport. Laughed and cried at the same time. He made me smile and laugh by just being himself, even as I was saying goodbye, tears welling up, and falling down my cheek, not knowing when I will see him again. Sean, John, Josh, Kris, and I became so close. With one more week of camp, the next three goodbyes will hit me like bricks falling on my head. The first one was hard enough. I really dislike goodbyes. When you become close to people, and I mean like this summer where we spent 24/7 together for 2 and half months, goodbyes are about the saddest things ever. It's worth it though to know that we made an impact on their lives and that we shared something truly "Holy magical!" as Anthony says.

Below is an article I wrote for the LRCC (Lutheran Retreats Camps and Conferences) newsletter. I hope it gives you even the smallest taste of the impact of this summer. Best summer ever!

“We would love for you to be one of our staff in training program directors, Kelly,” Anthony Briggs told me last December. After prayerfully considering this job option, I accepted, soon to be accompanied by Sean, a counselor I worked with two summers before. I did not know Sean too well, but once camp started, and we began writing music together, song after song, through conversations and laughter, we quickly became friends, and greatly enjoyed working together.

In June, four interesting and gifted young men entered our camp community. They were energetic and full of fresh ideas. Through these young faces we saw the birth of a new camp generation. The purpose of the staff in training program is to prepare sixteen and seventeen year old youth to become qualified future staff members.

This summer has been filled with fun and amazing memories. We began our first two weeks at Camp Yolijwa, learning the ins and outs of camp, and participating in lifeguard training. After two weeks into the program one of our SITs decided not to continue with the program. As difficult as it was to see one of our numbers dwindle, it grew us closer together.

We continued our time at beach camp, then half of us proceeded to New Orleans for the National High School Youth Gathering. The three of us that were there even got to hang out in Louisiana! We returned to Yolijwa, and next will be heading to El Camino Pines where the SITs will be staying in the cabins and observing the counselors in action. For the last week of teen camp they will be peer leaders and get to lead Bible studies, devotions, and activities alongside the counselors. Kris, an athlete and guitarist from Camarillo, California explains, “At first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do the program, but I’m glad I did it, because it’s been the best summer I’ve ever had.”

We have enjoyed trips for frozen yogurt, singing loudly on road trips, but have also been deeply touched by our personal faith stories. Never have I seen such passion and eagerness to dive into the camp life. Josh, from Madison, South Dakota is a highly likeable, joyful person. He comments, “The SIT program is the greatest experience of my life. I know I wouldn’t be able to have done half the things being in South Dakota.”

Through the four summers I have worked at camp, this has been one of my favorites. God has inspired me through the creativity and joy in these young men. John, a down to earth, gifted artist from Tempe, Arizona says, “It’s been an amazing summer, full of laughs, memories, and meeting lifelong friends. The experience has soared passed all of my expectations. My faith has grown so much in these short weeks. I can’t wait till next summer.” I look forward to seeing these three guys work at camp for many summers to come.

National High School Youth Gathering, New Orleans, 2009

A few days ago I got back from the National High School Youth Gathering in New Orleans, Louisiana. There were 37,000 high school students and adult leaders. Yay for Lutheran gatherings! I saw a bunch of camp people and friends. Such a small Lutheran world. The gathering gave us free t-shirts, bags, and Bibles.

We were supposed to pray at 4:24pm every day, but that was kind of hard to remember sometimes. It was because of the scripture, Acts 4:24. We did the "Final 15" every day, which was the daily devotional. We reflected on our days during these.

There were 37,000 people in the superdome, including awesome bands. Skillet, The Katinas, Lost and Found, Agape, Amanda Shaw, the House band, and other amazing performers.

Our service project was painting the inside of an elementary school. It was partly under water during hurricane Katrina. We were able to see houses that 4 years later were still damaged and not rebuilt after Katrina. The people there were so grateful we were there. They thought that no one cared about them, but after seeing all 37,000 of us there, they constantly thanked us. They said we were blessing them, and that was pretty amazing!

Cajun food is tasty! I tried alligator and frog leg, which I've never tried before. It was good. My youth group of 11 people, including myself, Rich and Andrea had a great time overall. We did an incredible amount of walking on the trip.

On the airplane ride there I sat next to Spencer from San Luis Obispo, and Leslie from Arroyo Grande. we talked a little bit. On the way back, surpisingly I sat next to both of them again. This time we were excited to see each other, and talked a lot about the trip. This trip was somethimg that changed us.


Yesterday I went to Disneyland with Sean, Anthony, and the SITs. Oh man, I love my job. Well, we are all meeting now, so peace out. Lata friends!

Camp SIT program!

In my last blog I said I wanted to share a faith story, but I'm going to have to save that for another time.  I'm one of the Staff in Training (SIT) program directors for Lutheran Retreats Camps and Conferences (LRCC).  It is such an amazing, fun job!  I travel from Camp Yolijwa (Youth Living Jesus Way), to beach camp, to New Orleans for the National High School youth gathering with 36,000 people (but this is through my church that I'm the youth director at), to El Camino Pines.  I get to travel with 3 amazing high school guys, and the other SIT program director, Sean.  We originally had 4 guys but one of them went home.  It is so much fun.  I can't say that enough.  The first week was confirmation camp at Yolijwa and the next week we did lifeguard/CPR/first aid training.  I'm now certified in all of them, which is cool.

God told me something really awesome on July 9th.  I told Him with all sincerity that I need clear direction.  He told me, "If you turn to things that don't matter, that's what you will find.  When you turn to things that matter most, that's where you will find me."

God is so cool in the way He speaks to me.  He know when it is something I need to hear.

What has God been telling you lately?

How do you respond to what He has to tell you?

Camp 2009!

Leadership staff training has been a blast.  The people here are great and I love being able to see the people I've become friends with the past three summers.  People here really open my eyes to love and acceptance.  There are people here I would never be friends with had it not been through camp.  Some people are crazy and loud, others soft-spoken and gentle, still others full of humor.  I would go through and tell you about each person and their amazing qualities, but that would be a long list, and irrelevant to non-camp people.  So instead I would love to tell you about how God is working through camp and through the people working here.

We have come up with amazing ways to make camp new and exciting this year.  I see God through the joy, excitement, energy, and passion of the people here.  It's like we are creating a new world for the kids, a world where they can be themselves and be loved just the way they are.  A world where they can explore and go on adventures.  A world where becoming closer to God and learning about Him is considered cool and the social norm.  This is how God created the world to be.  We were created to worship God and in turn, to have an everlasting relationship with Him.  Relationships do not come without difficulties, and highs and lows, but our relationship with God is not one where we should ever break up, or become complacent, although this does happen.  It's awesome to hear God's voice, and camp is one of the places where God speaks to and has spoken to me.  It's late so I'm going to bed, but by next post I hope to share a personal faith story of why I continue coming back to camp.

What special place do you always go back to that reminds you about God or a spiritual experience?

What are some important relationships in your own life that you would never want to fade?  Can you apply those qualities to your relationship with God?

How has this world been an adventure to you?

dealing with death/ processing and grieving

In my last post I discussed hope in healing.  Today when I was talking with my friend Luz, we touched on the hardships of the death of a close loved one.  She lost her "grandfather" not too long ago.  She mentioned going through a difficult time with this, and I remember how sad she was.

My best friend, Betsie, lost her dad when she was 7 years old, and lost her mom to breast cancer when my friend was 20.  Betsie and her mom were so close, and losing her, I'm sure, was like losing part of herself.  I give my friend flowers every Nov. 1, All Saints Day, the day her mom past away.  Betsie mentioned to me that she felt like she didn't need church and that she could get through this all on her own.  Now she goes to a caring church community that supports her.  Betsie mentioned that she was watching a T.V. show where a couple was getting married and the mom of the bride was there to support her, and tell her she was proud of her.  My best friend told me she was sad that her mom would not be with her on her wedding day, nor to celebrate with her in person on any other occasion.  I had a dream a week before her mom's death, that she had passed away.  I told Betsie after her mom had died, about my dream.

The cool thing about both Luz's and my Betsie's loved ones' deaths is that they were both Christians, and loved Jesus.  They are now in heaven.  Like Luz told me this morning, "I'm just glad that I get to see him again in heaven."  That keeps us going.  The promise of eternal life.

In my own life, I have lost loved ones as well.   I lost my cat, Hobie, my grandma, and a dear friend of mine from high school, Amy.  My grandma had kidney failure in her 80s.  She lived such an amazing life.  She was a nurse in World War II, along with her identical twin sister, Janette, who I called Auntie J.  My grandma used to smoke before people knew the bad affects, but the moment she found out it was bad for her, she quit.  Imagine that?  Who does that today?  Only a strong, faithful woman, like my grandma.  She did funny things with my great Auntie J.  One example is at a diving competition my Auntie J. was sick, so my grandma dove twice.  Once for her sister, and once for herself.  And guess what happened?  She got first place for her sister and second place for herself!  Lol!  What a funny lady!

But, my focus is on her death.  She fell down in the backyard and was rushed to the hospital.  My Uncle Bob, my dad's brother, called us, and my dad and I drove down to Pasadena to see her in the hospital.  She had tubes in her nose and mouth, and was hooked up to a heart monitor.  I had never seen her so lifeless.  My Uncle announced to her, Rami (my dad) and Kelly (me) are here.  Aren't you glad?  My grandma literally shook all over.  This must have taken every ounce of energy she had.  I held her hand, she gently squeezed it, looked into my eyes and tried to say something.  The tubes in her mouth prevented words.  I told her, "It's alright.  You don't have to say anything."  She became cold, and the nurses talked with my dad and uncle.  I was only 16.  I put an angel beanie baby by her side, and prayed for her.  When the nurses came back they were crying, and so were my dad and uncle.  They had decided to let her go.  The most difficult decision; one no one should ever have to make.  But my grandma did not want to be hooked up to a machine and tubes, and my dad and uncle wanted to honor her request.  I told my dad, "It's going to be okay to let her go."  I tear up now even as I type this, because the love I had for her was so strong.  They pulled the plug, she breathed her last breath of life on this earth, then walked to heaven with the angels.  This is only the second time in my life I saw my dad cry... hard.  I kissed my grandma's cold forehead, and left.  I know she is happy and alive and well with Jesus, our Savior in heaven.

I had dreams about her.  This was my dream:  She showed up at my high school, and I was so happy because I thought she was gone.  I gave her a big hug, and took her hand and told her I wanted to show her around campus, and have her meet all my friends.  I was proud of her and I wanted to show her off.  She let go of my hug and said, "You have to let me go."  I said, "What do you mean?"  I was confused and happy she was there.  I turned around to show her my school, turned back towards her and she was gone.  I cry now as I remember the dream, such a dream from up above.  I still think about her often.  I love you grandma forever.

My friend Amy, I met in junior high.  We were great friends through out high school.  She was a beautiful young woman, who had a gorgeous voice.  She was smart, a Christian, and had so much going for her.  We sang "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables, in our talent show when we were freshmen.  I laughed with her so much in choir.  But, she was anorexic, bulimic, and cut her wrists.  She was often cold, with blue hands and feet.  She went in and out of treatment centers and a psychiatric ward.  I prayed with and for her all the time.  Her goal was to get over her illness and write a book about how she got through her struggles.  And, oh how she loved the Lord.  It didn't make sense to me.  How could someone love the Lord, but hate themselves?  The Lord created all of us in His image, perfect, imperfect, saint and sinner.  I wrote down goals for her, and she accomplished some of them... until...

Two years ago, when I was 22, I got a text from my friend Kenny.  It said two words.  "Amy died."  I happened to be with my friend Luz at the time.  I was in shock.  I didn't know what to say or do.  I couldn't grieve or cry.  Luz asked if there was anything she could do, or anything I needed.  It was so sudden, I couldn't process it yet, so there was nothing I needed except someone to talk to.  I think she died of heart failure but I am still unsure to this day.  I didn't go to the memorial service, because I was at school.  I regret that now.

I have yet to cry over her death.  It was a relief that she was not in pain, but so hard knowing she would never accomplish all God had planned for her.  Or, were His plans for her fulfilled?  I'm pretty sure I saw Amy's twin brother in K-Mart a couple weeks ago, and I wanted to ask him how Amy died, but he was leaving and I wasn't 100% sure it was him...  It was weird deleting her phone number from my phone, knowing I would never hear her voice again.  Her beautiful, beautiful voice.  God, take care of her please.  All she ever needed was love.  And Your love is perfect.

Processing and grieving are all parts of the after-death process.  I pray everyone comes to know Jesus, so they can go to heaven, and live with and worship Him eternally.  It is not my place to judge who goes to heaven, and who goes to hell.  Only God can judge that.  All I know is that through believing in Jesus Christ, we will go to heaven.  For we are "saved by grace through faith."  His grace is sufficient.  His grace is enough.  His grace will save us.  We have the hope of eternal life.

What are your experiences with death?

What do you think about the afterlife?

Who are you still grieving over, and what can you do to let go?

hope in healing (in God's perfect timing)

It is amazing how one can be hurt so deeply in the moment, and be healed so fully in time.  Healings are miracles, no matter how small, unordinary, or common they may seem.  A shattered heart that broke into a million pieces can be gently sculpted back together by God's gentle and gracious hands.

I've only been in one relationship, but when it was over, my heart was broken, my emotions overwhelmingly torn, and my mind depressed.  I thought over and over, "What could I have done to keep this relationship together?"  I felt guilty for allowing it to fall apart.  It's been over two and half years.  I still have crystal clear memories of happiness within the relationship but I am grateful for having moved on.  I prayed time after time that God would heal my heart, and take away the memories, the thoughts, the good I found in what I went through.  I thought if I only focussed on the bad, then I would be happy I was no longer in the relationship.  But, God performed a miracle.  He allowed me to keep the good memories, while being able to put the past behind me and focus on the here and now, and look forward to a wonderful future.

Jeremiah 29 11-13 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

Through a plethora of emotions, I felt anger, sadness, bitterness, confusion, guilt, depression, among many other negative and despairing emotions when our relationship ended.  Through out the last two and a half years, I have been able to process, a bit through writing, and a lot through song writing and poetry, but mostly through talking with God, praying and listening to God.  He prepared me for new things.  In fact, my ex-boyfriend had always been close to this one girl, and one day a couple years after the break up, I "thought to myself" (these thoughts from God) that I would be okay if this guy I dated ended up dating this girl that he was close with.  The thoughts made no logical sense.  Perhaps, I thought it would be easier knowing the girl he was dating, verses some mystery person I didn't know.  All that to say, one week later, I found out they were dating.  God fully prepared my heart for what was about to happen.  It was amazing.

Forgiveness is a final step to healing.  Truly forgiving someone and letting go of all the pent up bitter, anger, or whatever emotions may be built into the situation, is the key to healing.  Forgive yourself first.  Forgive others.  This does not mean you need to forget.  But, Forgive.  Forgive.  Forgive.

Think about a broken arm or leg.  A wound like this is painful, needs to be taken care of by a doctor, slowly recovers, scars, and heals.  Just like the this, the heart is in pain when it breaks, it needs to be taken care of by God, the ultimate doctor and healer, takes time and a process to recover, has visible signs of what happened, and then God performs a miracle and heals you.

If you are still in the painful process of healing, there is hope.  This hope comes from God and comes from time.  God's timing.  So difficult to understand.  In fact, we cannot understand it.  We put our trust and hope in the Lord.  We put our burdens and broken hearts in His hands and he promises to carry and to mend them.  When in the process, it may seem hopeless, but remember the Good News of Jesus.  He will heal you.  Believe in Him.  Trust in Him.  Like the song says, "My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.... On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand."

There are also miraculous healings like those in the Bible.  A couple that pop to mind are Jesus healing the blind man, and the leper.  These healings still happen today.  Many believe that those healings only happened in Jesus' day.  Not so.  I have friends who have witnessed miracles first hand.  Their stories are breathtakingly beautiful.

Have you ever hurt so deeply you thought nothing could cure you?

If you ended up healing, what helped you through the process and to recover?

What miracles have you experienced in your life or the lives of others?

What do you still need forgiveness for?

Who do you still need to forgive?

What/who do you place your hope in?

I place mine in Jesus Christ.

why i blog/about me

Back in junior high I would journal daily, and now that I'm out of college, I need to start writing and reflecting again.  I invite comments, thoughts, and suggestions, as well as words of wisdom.  I am only 24.  :)  I plan on writing whenever I can, whatever is on my mind, and whatever I think others might find interesting or have opinions on.  I leave to work at a camp over the summer in less than a week.  At camp I have limited internet access and limited time on my hands, so I'll try my best to write a little this summer.  I am open to your opinion of what I have to say.

A little bit about myself.  Just the basics.  My name is Kelly.  I love Jesus.  I love to sing.  I love music.  I love swing dancing.  I love people.  I love working with youth.  Others have described me as compassionate, simple, gentle, sensitive, having a child-like faith, laid back, open-minded, and loving.  My personality type according to the Myers-Briggs personality test is an ENFJ or INFJ.  I score differently at different times in my life.

I consider this blog a personal yet public journal, and I will update it with honesty.

Psalm 89:1

I will sing of your steadfast love, oh Lord, forever.  With my mouth, I will proclaim your faithfulness to all generations.