dealing with death/ processing and grieving

In my last post I discussed hope in healing.  Today when I was talking with my friend Luz, we touched on the hardships of the death of a close loved one.  She lost her "grandfather" not too long ago.  She mentioned going through a difficult time with this, and I remember how sad she was.

My best friend, Betsie, lost her dad when she was 7 years old, and lost her mom to breast cancer when my friend was 20.  Betsie and her mom were so close, and losing her, I'm sure, was like losing part of herself.  I give my friend flowers every Nov. 1, All Saints Day, the day her mom past away.  Betsie mentioned to me that she felt like she didn't need church and that she could get through this all on her own.  Now she goes to a caring church community that supports her.  Betsie mentioned that she was watching a T.V. show where a couple was getting married and the mom of the bride was there to support her, and tell her she was proud of her.  My best friend told me she was sad that her mom would not be with her on her wedding day, nor to celebrate with her in person on any other occasion.  I had a dream a week before her mom's death, that she had passed away.  I told Betsie after her mom had died, about my dream.

The cool thing about both Luz's and my Betsie's loved ones' deaths is that they were both Christians, and loved Jesus.  They are now in heaven.  Like Luz told me this morning, "I'm just glad that I get to see him again in heaven."  That keeps us going.  The promise of eternal life.

In my own life, I have lost loved ones as well.   I lost my cat, Hobie, my grandma, and a dear friend of mine from high school, Amy.  My grandma had kidney failure in her 80s.  She lived such an amazing life.  She was a nurse in World War II, along with her identical twin sister, Janette, who I called Auntie J.  My grandma used to smoke before people knew the bad affects, but the moment she found out it was bad for her, she quit.  Imagine that?  Who does that today?  Only a strong, faithful woman, like my grandma.  She did funny things with my great Auntie J.  One example is at a diving competition my Auntie J. was sick, so my grandma dove twice.  Once for her sister, and once for herself.  And guess what happened?  She got first place for her sister and second place for herself!  Lol!  What a funny lady!

But, my focus is on her death.  She fell down in the backyard and was rushed to the hospital.  My Uncle Bob, my dad's brother, called us, and my dad and I drove down to Pasadena to see her in the hospital.  She had tubes in her nose and mouth, and was hooked up to a heart monitor.  I had never seen her so lifeless.  My Uncle announced to her, Rami (my dad) and Kelly (me) are here.  Aren't you glad?  My grandma literally shook all over.  This must have taken every ounce of energy she had.  I held her hand, she gently squeezed it, looked into my eyes and tried to say something.  The tubes in her mouth prevented words.  I told her, "It's alright.  You don't have to say anything."  She became cold, and the nurses talked with my dad and uncle.  I was only 16.  I put an angel beanie baby by her side, and prayed for her.  When the nurses came back they were crying, and so were my dad and uncle.  They had decided to let her go.  The most difficult decision; one no one should ever have to make.  But my grandma did not want to be hooked up to a machine and tubes, and my dad and uncle wanted to honor her request.  I told my dad, "It's going to be okay to let her go."  I tear up now even as I type this, because the love I had for her was so strong.  They pulled the plug, she breathed her last breath of life on this earth, then walked to heaven with the angels.  This is only the second time in my life I saw my dad cry... hard.  I kissed my grandma's cold forehead, and left.  I know she is happy and alive and well with Jesus, our Savior in heaven.

I had dreams about her.  This was my dream:  She showed up at my high school, and I was so happy because I thought she was gone.  I gave her a big hug, and took her hand and told her I wanted to show her around campus, and have her meet all my friends.  I was proud of her and I wanted to show her off.  She let go of my hug and said, "You have to let me go."  I said, "What do you mean?"  I was confused and happy she was there.  I turned around to show her my school, turned back towards her and she was gone.  I cry now as I remember the dream, such a dream from up above.  I still think about her often.  I love you grandma forever.

My friend Amy, I met in junior high.  We were great friends through out high school.  She was a beautiful young woman, who had a gorgeous voice.  She was smart, a Christian, and had so much going for her.  We sang "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables, in our talent show when we were freshmen.  I laughed with her so much in choir.  But, she was anorexic, bulimic, and cut her wrists.  She was often cold, with blue hands and feet.  She went in and out of treatment centers and a psychiatric ward.  I prayed with and for her all the time.  Her goal was to get over her illness and write a book about how she got through her struggles.  And, oh how she loved the Lord.  It didn't make sense to me.  How could someone love the Lord, but hate themselves?  The Lord created all of us in His image, perfect, imperfect, saint and sinner.  I wrote down goals for her, and she accomplished some of them... until...

Two years ago, when I was 22, I got a text from my friend Kenny.  It said two words.  "Amy died."  I happened to be with my friend Luz at the time.  I was in shock.  I didn't know what to say or do.  I couldn't grieve or cry.  Luz asked if there was anything she could do, or anything I needed.  It was so sudden, I couldn't process it yet, so there was nothing I needed except someone to talk to.  I think she died of heart failure but I am still unsure to this day.  I didn't go to the memorial service, because I was at school.  I regret that now.

I have yet to cry over her death.  It was a relief that she was not in pain, but so hard knowing she would never accomplish all God had planned for her.  Or, were His plans for her fulfilled?  I'm pretty sure I saw Amy's twin brother in K-Mart a couple weeks ago, and I wanted to ask him how Amy died, but he was leaving and I wasn't 100% sure it was him...  It was weird deleting her phone number from my phone, knowing I would never hear her voice again.  Her beautiful, beautiful voice.  God, take care of her please.  All she ever needed was love.  And Your love is perfect.

Processing and grieving are all parts of the after-death process.  I pray everyone comes to know Jesus, so they can go to heaven, and live with and worship Him eternally.  It is not my place to judge who goes to heaven, and who goes to hell.  Only God can judge that.  All I know is that through believing in Jesus Christ, we will go to heaven.  For we are "saved by grace through faith."  His grace is sufficient.  His grace is enough.  His grace will save us.  We have the hope of eternal life.

What are your experiences with death?

What do you think about the afterlife?

Who are you still grieving over, and what can you do to let go?