kindled by pain, risking for hope

Interesting title right?  I thought so.  :)

I was so sick with the stomach flu for about 38 hours (Monday night through Wednesday morning) and could not keep food down at all.  I was getting over a cold.  I quit my job as a nanny.  I'm job searching again.  I'm waiting to hear back from seminary.  We're still looking for one more housemate.  I was asking myself earlier this week where the joy in life was.

Now that is so easy to answer!  The joy comes after the pain.  Why must we go through so much, for lack of better words, bad stuff?  I'm eternally grateful now for God and I place my trust in Him always.  I hate pain.  It's one of few things I'll say I hate.  But only in the moment.  The outcome of pain is happiness and gratitude.  Think about it...  Have you ever broken a bone?  Say you broke a leg.  OUCH!  When healed, "Hallelujah and thank you Jesus!"  I can use my leg again.  I've never broken my leg, but I did break my face (fractured my orbital (the bone over your eye, near your eyebrow) in a few places.  So happy when I was able to move my face without it being painful and so grateful.  I take things for granted.  I take my life for granted.  I take food for granted.  Each morning I wake up I take for granted.  I take God's love for granted.

You can be kindled by illness.  Kindled by pain.  The outcome of pain that is.  Thank you Lord that you have brought pain into this life in order for us to be grateful and stop taking life for granted.  When something significant is lost, and then given back again, it is like being forgiven and blessed twice.  A second chance became my life.  Life is full of second chances and chances to get it right.  We will always get some stuff wrong, but we will learn most through our failures.  It's through our failures that we will get stuff right.  We learn from our mistakes.

I'm a cautious person by nature and I don't take many risks, though I'm learning that I grow most from taking them.  Working at camp was outside of my comfort zone.  It ended up being one of the best experiences of my life.  When you risk stepping out of your comfort zone it may be a blissful reward (as camp was in my life) or regrettably shocking (like moving to Denver my first year of college).  A story for another time.

God's promise to love us and give us hope and a future revives my soul's thirst for direction.

Thank you God for my life and help me to grow in You always.  Help me to take risks.  Through these risks help me to gain hope.  Help me to be kindled by pain and not tainted, disgruntled nor cynical towards it.

I put my faith, hope, and trust in the Lord always.  Lord, as I learned in the Bible Study tonight from Hebrews, help me to boast in Your hope... forever.  Amen.

This is a fragmented, unpolished, and unrevised post... but I like it that way for now.  Comments?

future direction and conquering my lonely heart

I've been blessed with getting further direction for my life.  After an evening breakdown before Christmas, frustrated with lack of understanding and direction, I've come to know a clearer direction for the future.  After meditating on Jeremiah 29: 11-13, the next day in the youth group I help run, we have something called the question hat.  I picked a question out of the hat, and it happened to have a question relating to the scripture from Jeremiah 29:11.  This was a reminder to me that God really knows the direction He has for me.

Thank you God for putting certain people in my life that have confirmed gifts you have given me.  Last Sunday a young woman who shares my name came to our church.  She is in the Master of Arts in Family Studies program at Fuller Seminary, in the school of psychology.  I told her I was interested in working with families and youth in the future.  I've always worked with kids, and I have a passion to work with families too.  In fact, my friend Harmony, prophesied over me saying that I would work with families in the future.  This was really cool, and didn't surprise me a bit.  I've applied to Fuller for next year, for the Master of Arts in Theology and Ministry program, with an emphasis in youth, family, and culture, in the school of theology, and I'm waiting to hear back from the school.  Only time will tell.  I'm excited about the possibility.

I feel like I've been putting so much energy and focus into my part time jobs (I'm a nanny, a youth director, and a voice and piano teacher all at the same time).  I don't have much time to get involved with any Christians around my age (I'm 24) and find support from other people.  I've felt lonely lately, and as far as I'm concerned it's one of the worst feelings one can feel.  I'm trying my best to be comfortable and lean on God when I feel lonely.  I can do this to an extent, but it is vital for me to have human interaction, and comfort.  As much as I know God is with me, carries my burdens, and will never leave me nor forsake me, I still need to be loved by friends on earth.

I feel as though I've been stripped away from most friends this year.  After graduating from college, my friends have moved as far as Zimbabwe and China.  Some of my friends at Westmont have yet to make any effort to spend time with me.  As much as I've tried to maintain my friendship with them, if they do not put any effort into trying, ultimately the friendships will disintegrate.  It's sad but true.  My camp friends I miss terribly, and because I don't think I'll be going back to camp this summer, a large piece of my heart is torn from my inner being.  I love my camp family so much, and I will forever love and cherish them.  It saddens me to no end, knowing that I will not be a part of their family this summer.  For those of you non-camp people, it's like having a close group of best friends, and all your friends are spending the whole summer together having literally the time of their life, and you cannot be there with them because your job is keeping you from being able to go.  What do you feel?  Disappointment, depression, longing etc.

Being a natural extrovert, I need to be around people.  It's so hard being alone all the time.  I eat most every meal by myself.  It makes me a little sad each time.  I remember last summer when I ate my first meal with camp people.  I sat down and innately felt a little disheartened because I'd been conditioned to be sad to eat meals by myself.  But then, with my friends around me, I was able to talk to people and laugh and enjoy meals without being alone.

Oh man, I hope this blog hasn't been overly depressing.  Sorry if it has!  All this to say, I long to find people in my life that bring me joy again.  I have a couple right now, and I'm waiting to find the rest.

I've been reading the Bible everyday and my New Year's Resolution (which I've never done before, haha) is to read the Bible in a year.  I'm on a plan that will help me do this.

I have hope that the direction in my life, the friends I hope to meet, and the goals I long to pursue, will bring me closer to God and ultimately bring me happiness.  I'm trying to focus on the present and not worry about the future, as it says in the book of Matthew.

Readers:

What direction do you feel your life is headed?
When have you felt alone?
What do you hope for the future?