Camp 2009!

Leadership staff training has been a blast.  The people here are great and I love being able to see the people I've become friends with the past three summers.  People here really open my eyes to love and acceptance.  There are people here I would never be friends with had it not been through camp.  Some people are crazy and loud, others soft-spoken and gentle, still others full of humor.  I would go through and tell you about each person and their amazing qualities, but that would be a long list, and irrelevant to non-camp people.  So instead I would love to tell you about how God is working through camp and through the people working here.

We have come up with amazing ways to make camp new and exciting this year.  I see God through the joy, excitement, energy, and passion of the people here.  It's like we are creating a new world for the kids, a world where they can be themselves and be loved just the way they are.  A world where they can explore and go on adventures.  A world where becoming closer to God and learning about Him is considered cool and the social norm.  This is how God created the world to be.  We were created to worship God and in turn, to have an everlasting relationship with Him.  Relationships do not come without difficulties, and highs and lows, but our relationship with God is not one where we should ever break up, or become complacent, although this does happen.  It's awesome to hear God's voice, and camp is one of the places where God speaks to and has spoken to me.  It's late so I'm going to bed, but by next post I hope to share a personal faith story of why I continue coming back to camp.

What special place do you always go back to that reminds you about God or a spiritual experience?

What are some important relationships in your own life that you would never want to fade?  Can you apply those qualities to your relationship with God?

How has this world been an adventure to you?

dealing with death/ processing and grieving

In my last post I discussed hope in healing.  Today when I was talking with my friend Luz, we touched on the hardships of the death of a close loved one.  She lost her "grandfather" not too long ago.  She mentioned going through a difficult time with this, and I remember how sad she was.

My best friend, Betsie, lost her dad when she was 7 years old, and lost her mom to breast cancer when my friend was 20.  Betsie and her mom were so close, and losing her, I'm sure, was like losing part of herself.  I give my friend flowers every Nov. 1, All Saints Day, the day her mom past away.  Betsie mentioned to me that she felt like she didn't need church and that she could get through this all on her own.  Now she goes to a caring church community that supports her.  Betsie mentioned that she was watching a T.V. show where a couple was getting married and the mom of the bride was there to support her, and tell her she was proud of her.  My best friend told me she was sad that her mom would not be with her on her wedding day, nor to celebrate with her in person on any other occasion.  I had a dream a week before her mom's death, that she had passed away.  I told Betsie after her mom had died, about my dream.

The cool thing about both Luz's and my Betsie's loved ones' deaths is that they were both Christians, and loved Jesus.  They are now in heaven.  Like Luz told me this morning, "I'm just glad that I get to see him again in heaven."  That keeps us going.  The promise of eternal life.

In my own life, I have lost loved ones as well.   I lost my cat, Hobie, my grandma, and a dear friend of mine from high school, Amy.  My grandma had kidney failure in her 80s.  She lived such an amazing life.  She was a nurse in World War II, along with her identical twin sister, Janette, who I called Auntie J.  My grandma used to smoke before people knew the bad affects, but the moment she found out it was bad for her, she quit.  Imagine that?  Who does that today?  Only a strong, faithful woman, like my grandma.  She did funny things with my great Auntie J.  One example is at a diving competition my Auntie J. was sick, so my grandma dove twice.  Once for her sister, and once for herself.  And guess what happened?  She got first place for her sister and second place for herself!  Lol!  What a funny lady!

But, my focus is on her death.  She fell down in the backyard and was rushed to the hospital.  My Uncle Bob, my dad's brother, called us, and my dad and I drove down to Pasadena to see her in the hospital.  She had tubes in her nose and mouth, and was hooked up to a heart monitor.  I had never seen her so lifeless.  My Uncle announced to her, Rami (my dad) and Kelly (me) are here.  Aren't you glad?  My grandma literally shook all over.  This must have taken every ounce of energy she had.  I held her hand, she gently squeezed it, looked into my eyes and tried to say something.  The tubes in her mouth prevented words.  I told her, "It's alright.  You don't have to say anything."  She became cold, and the nurses talked with my dad and uncle.  I was only 16.  I put an angel beanie baby by her side, and prayed for her.  When the nurses came back they were crying, and so were my dad and uncle.  They had decided to let her go.  The most difficult decision; one no one should ever have to make.  But my grandma did not want to be hooked up to a machine and tubes, and my dad and uncle wanted to honor her request.  I told my dad, "It's going to be okay to let her go."  I tear up now even as I type this, because the love I had for her was so strong.  They pulled the plug, she breathed her last breath of life on this earth, then walked to heaven with the angels.  This is only the second time in my life I saw my dad cry... hard.  I kissed my grandma's cold forehead, and left.  I know she is happy and alive and well with Jesus, our Savior in heaven.

I had dreams about her.  This was my dream:  She showed up at my high school, and I was so happy because I thought she was gone.  I gave her a big hug, and took her hand and told her I wanted to show her around campus, and have her meet all my friends.  I was proud of her and I wanted to show her off.  She let go of my hug and said, "You have to let me go."  I said, "What do you mean?"  I was confused and happy she was there.  I turned around to show her my school, turned back towards her and she was gone.  I cry now as I remember the dream, such a dream from up above.  I still think about her often.  I love you grandma forever.

My friend Amy, I met in junior high.  We were great friends through out high school.  She was a beautiful young woman, who had a gorgeous voice.  She was smart, a Christian, and had so much going for her.  We sang "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables, in our talent show when we were freshmen.  I laughed with her so much in choir.  But, she was anorexic, bulimic, and cut her wrists.  She was often cold, with blue hands and feet.  She went in and out of treatment centers and a psychiatric ward.  I prayed with and for her all the time.  Her goal was to get over her illness and write a book about how she got through her struggles.  And, oh how she loved the Lord.  It didn't make sense to me.  How could someone love the Lord, but hate themselves?  The Lord created all of us in His image, perfect, imperfect, saint and sinner.  I wrote down goals for her, and she accomplished some of them... until...

Two years ago, when I was 22, I got a text from my friend Kenny.  It said two words.  "Amy died."  I happened to be with my friend Luz at the time.  I was in shock.  I didn't know what to say or do.  I couldn't grieve or cry.  Luz asked if there was anything she could do, or anything I needed.  It was so sudden, I couldn't process it yet, so there was nothing I needed except someone to talk to.  I think she died of heart failure but I am still unsure to this day.  I didn't go to the memorial service, because I was at school.  I regret that now.

I have yet to cry over her death.  It was a relief that she was not in pain, but so hard knowing she would never accomplish all God had planned for her.  Or, were His plans for her fulfilled?  I'm pretty sure I saw Amy's twin brother in K-Mart a couple weeks ago, and I wanted to ask him how Amy died, but he was leaving and I wasn't 100% sure it was him...  It was weird deleting her phone number from my phone, knowing I would never hear her voice again.  Her beautiful, beautiful voice.  God, take care of her please.  All she ever needed was love.  And Your love is perfect.

Processing and grieving are all parts of the after-death process.  I pray everyone comes to know Jesus, so they can go to heaven, and live with and worship Him eternally.  It is not my place to judge who goes to heaven, and who goes to hell.  Only God can judge that.  All I know is that through believing in Jesus Christ, we will go to heaven.  For we are "saved by grace through faith."  His grace is sufficient.  His grace is enough.  His grace will save us.  We have the hope of eternal life.

What are your experiences with death?

What do you think about the afterlife?

Who are you still grieving over, and what can you do to let go?

hope in healing (in God's perfect timing)

It is amazing how one can be hurt so deeply in the moment, and be healed so fully in time.  Healings are miracles, no matter how small, unordinary, or common they may seem.  A shattered heart that broke into a million pieces can be gently sculpted back together by God's gentle and gracious hands.

I've only been in one relationship, but when it was over, my heart was broken, my emotions overwhelmingly torn, and my mind depressed.  I thought over and over, "What could I have done to keep this relationship together?"  I felt guilty for allowing it to fall apart.  It's been over two and half years.  I still have crystal clear memories of happiness within the relationship but I am grateful for having moved on.  I prayed time after time that God would heal my heart, and take away the memories, the thoughts, the good I found in what I went through.  I thought if I only focussed on the bad, then I would be happy I was no longer in the relationship.  But, God performed a miracle.  He allowed me to keep the good memories, while being able to put the past behind me and focus on the here and now, and look forward to a wonderful future.

Jeremiah 29 11-13 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

Through a plethora of emotions, I felt anger, sadness, bitterness, confusion, guilt, depression, among many other negative and despairing emotions when our relationship ended.  Through out the last two and a half years, I have been able to process, a bit through writing, and a lot through song writing and poetry, but mostly through talking with God, praying and listening to God.  He prepared me for new things.  In fact, my ex-boyfriend had always been close to this one girl, and one day a couple years after the break up, I "thought to myself" (these thoughts from God) that I would be okay if this guy I dated ended up dating this girl that he was close with.  The thoughts made no logical sense.  Perhaps, I thought it would be easier knowing the girl he was dating, verses some mystery person I didn't know.  All that to say, one week later, I found out they were dating.  God fully prepared my heart for what was about to happen.  It was amazing.

Forgiveness is a final step to healing.  Truly forgiving someone and letting go of all the pent up bitter, anger, or whatever emotions may be built into the situation, is the key to healing.  Forgive yourself first.  Forgive others.  This does not mean you need to forget.  But, Forgive.  Forgive.  Forgive.

Think about a broken arm or leg.  A wound like this is painful, needs to be taken care of by a doctor, slowly recovers, scars, and heals.  Just like the this, the heart is in pain when it breaks, it needs to be taken care of by God, the ultimate doctor and healer, takes time and a process to recover, has visible signs of what happened, and then God performs a miracle and heals you.

If you are still in the painful process of healing, there is hope.  This hope comes from God and comes from time.  God's timing.  So difficult to understand.  In fact, we cannot understand it.  We put our trust and hope in the Lord.  We put our burdens and broken hearts in His hands and he promises to carry and to mend them.  When in the process, it may seem hopeless, but remember the Good News of Jesus.  He will heal you.  Believe in Him.  Trust in Him.  Like the song says, "My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.... On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand."

There are also miraculous healings like those in the Bible.  A couple that pop to mind are Jesus healing the blind man, and the leper.  These healings still happen today.  Many believe that those healings only happened in Jesus' day.  Not so.  I have friends who have witnessed miracles first hand.  Their stories are breathtakingly beautiful.

Have you ever hurt so deeply you thought nothing could cure you?

If you ended up healing, what helped you through the process and to recover?

What miracles have you experienced in your life or the lives of others?

What do you still need forgiveness for?

Who do you still need to forgive?

What/who do you place your hope in?

I place mine in Jesus Christ.

why i blog/about me

Back in junior high I would journal daily, and now that I'm out of college, I need to start writing and reflecting again.  I invite comments, thoughts, and suggestions, as well as words of wisdom.  I am only 24.  :)  I plan on writing whenever I can, whatever is on my mind, and whatever I think others might find interesting or have opinions on.  I leave to work at a camp over the summer in less than a week.  At camp I have limited internet access and limited time on my hands, so I'll try my best to write a little this summer.  I am open to your opinion of what I have to say.

A little bit about myself.  Just the basics.  My name is Kelly.  I love Jesus.  I love to sing.  I love music.  I love swing dancing.  I love people.  I love working with youth.  Others have described me as compassionate, simple, gentle, sensitive, having a child-like faith, laid back, open-minded, and loving.  My personality type according to the Myers-Briggs personality test is an ENFJ or INFJ.  I score differently at different times in my life.

I consider this blog a personal yet public journal, and I will update it with honesty.

Psalm 89:1

I will sing of your steadfast love, oh Lord, forever.  With my mouth, I will proclaim your faithfulness to all generations.