kindled by pain, risking for hope

Interesting title right?  I thought so.  :)

I was so sick with the stomach flu for about 38 hours (Monday night through Wednesday morning) and could not keep food down at all.  I was getting over a cold.  I quit my job as a nanny.  I'm job searching again.  I'm waiting to hear back from seminary.  We're still looking for one more housemate.  I was asking myself earlier this week where the joy in life was.

Now that is so easy to answer!  The joy comes after the pain.  Why must we go through so much, for lack of better words, bad stuff?  I'm eternally grateful now for God and I place my trust in Him always.  I hate pain.  It's one of few things I'll say I hate.  But only in the moment.  The outcome of pain is happiness and gratitude.  Think about it...  Have you ever broken a bone?  Say you broke a leg.  OUCH!  When healed, "Hallelujah and thank you Jesus!"  I can use my leg again.  I've never broken my leg, but I did break my face (fractured my orbital (the bone over your eye, near your eyebrow) in a few places.  So happy when I was able to move my face without it being painful and so grateful.  I take things for granted.  I take my life for granted.  I take food for granted.  Each morning I wake up I take for granted.  I take God's love for granted.

You can be kindled by illness.  Kindled by pain.  The outcome of pain that is.  Thank you Lord that you have brought pain into this life in order for us to be grateful and stop taking life for granted.  When something significant is lost, and then given back again, it is like being forgiven and blessed twice.  A second chance became my life.  Life is full of second chances and chances to get it right.  We will always get some stuff wrong, but we will learn most through our failures.  It's through our failures that we will get stuff right.  We learn from our mistakes.

I'm a cautious person by nature and I don't take many risks, though I'm learning that I grow most from taking them.  Working at camp was outside of my comfort zone.  It ended up being one of the best experiences of my life.  When you risk stepping out of your comfort zone it may be a blissful reward (as camp was in my life) or regrettably shocking (like moving to Denver my first year of college).  A story for another time.

God's promise to love us and give us hope and a future revives my soul's thirst for direction.

Thank you God for my life and help me to grow in You always.  Help me to take risks.  Through these risks help me to gain hope.  Help me to be kindled by pain and not tainted, disgruntled nor cynical towards it.

I put my faith, hope, and trust in the Lord always.  Lord, as I learned in the Bible Study tonight from Hebrews, help me to boast in Your hope... forever.  Amen.

This is a fragmented, unpolished, and unrevised post... but I like it that way for now.  Comments?

future direction and conquering my lonely heart

I've been blessed with getting further direction for my life.  After an evening breakdown before Christmas, frustrated with lack of understanding and direction, I've come to know a clearer direction for the future.  After meditating on Jeremiah 29: 11-13, the next day in the youth group I help run, we have something called the question hat.  I picked a question out of the hat, and it happened to have a question relating to the scripture from Jeremiah 29:11.  This was a reminder to me that God really knows the direction He has for me.

Thank you God for putting certain people in my life that have confirmed gifts you have given me.  Last Sunday a young woman who shares my name came to our church.  She is in the Master of Arts in Family Studies program at Fuller Seminary, in the school of psychology.  I told her I was interested in working with families and youth in the future.  I've always worked with kids, and I have a passion to work with families too.  In fact, my friend Harmony, prophesied over me saying that I would work with families in the future.  This was really cool, and didn't surprise me a bit.  I've applied to Fuller for next year, for the Master of Arts in Theology and Ministry program, with an emphasis in youth, family, and culture, in the school of theology, and I'm waiting to hear back from the school.  Only time will tell.  I'm excited about the possibility.

I feel like I've been putting so much energy and focus into my part time jobs (I'm a nanny, a youth director, and a voice and piano teacher all at the same time).  I don't have much time to get involved with any Christians around my age (I'm 24) and find support from other people.  I've felt lonely lately, and as far as I'm concerned it's one of the worst feelings one can feel.  I'm trying my best to be comfortable and lean on God when I feel lonely.  I can do this to an extent, but it is vital for me to have human interaction, and comfort.  As much as I know God is with me, carries my burdens, and will never leave me nor forsake me, I still need to be loved by friends on earth.

I feel as though I've been stripped away from most friends this year.  After graduating from college, my friends have moved as far as Zimbabwe and China.  Some of my friends at Westmont have yet to make any effort to spend time with me.  As much as I've tried to maintain my friendship with them, if they do not put any effort into trying, ultimately the friendships will disintegrate.  It's sad but true.  My camp friends I miss terribly, and because I don't think I'll be going back to camp this summer, a large piece of my heart is torn from my inner being.  I love my camp family so much, and I will forever love and cherish them.  It saddens me to no end, knowing that I will not be a part of their family this summer.  For those of you non-camp people, it's like having a close group of best friends, and all your friends are spending the whole summer together having literally the time of their life, and you cannot be there with them because your job is keeping you from being able to go.  What do you feel?  Disappointment, depression, longing etc.

Being a natural extrovert, I need to be around people.  It's so hard being alone all the time.  I eat most every meal by myself.  It makes me a little sad each time.  I remember last summer when I ate my first meal with camp people.  I sat down and innately felt a little disheartened because I'd been conditioned to be sad to eat meals by myself.  But then, with my friends around me, I was able to talk to people and laugh and enjoy meals without being alone.

Oh man, I hope this blog hasn't been overly depressing.  Sorry if it has!  All this to say, I long to find people in my life that bring me joy again.  I have a couple right now, and I'm waiting to find the rest.

I've been reading the Bible everyday and my New Year's Resolution (which I've never done before, haha) is to read the Bible in a year.  I'm on a plan that will help me do this.

I have hope that the direction in my life, the friends I hope to meet, and the goals I long to pursue, will bring me closer to God and ultimately bring me happiness.  I'm trying to focus on the present and not worry about the future, as it says in the book of Matthew.

Readers:

What direction do you feel your life is headed?
When have you felt alone?
What do you hope for the future?

heavenly glory through music and the spiritual realm

I love writing music.  I've been composing a lot lately.  It's amazing how much better "my" music sounds when it's improvised praises and worship to God.

I spent a couple hours in Borders today just reading this book called "Angels Assigned."  The subject of angels and heavenly beings has always fascinated me.  Harmony was able to explain the different types of angels so well, guardians, protectors, warriors, messengers.  She has the gift of being able to see them, which is totally rockin.  The spiritual realm is a complex and interesting world.  It's around us all the time, and some people are fortunate enough to get bored with the physical world and see into this heavenly, spiritual realm.  I've only explored what God has shown me... mere glimpses of this heavenly place.  It's truly miraculous.

I spent over two hours talking to Nadine on the phone today.  What a gem.  She is so intelligent, wise, and sweet.  Lord, allow me to pray for her and all she is going through.  Love this girl.

Carry these burdens I have.  Help me read Your Word daily, and grow and listen to Your voice.  I LOVE YOU.  Help me live every step and every breath I take glorifying you Lord Jesus.  Father God protect me, help me write music that honors You and You alone.  Thanks for your glimpses of heavenly glory.

Your child,
Kelly

some pictures from Israel and Egypt, Nov. 3-20, 2009

Jordan River, baptism renewal kissing sphinx in Egyptsunset in EgyptDad, Mom, and I at the pyramids in Egyptsunset at cruise on the Nile Rivercamels in EgyptWestern (Wailing) WallDome of the Rockbeautiful sky in Israel

a listening ear/ harmony

I have been longing to hear God's voice clearly for a long time.  I've felt periods of silence in my life, and I feel a bit of that now.  I'm seeking direction for my future.  I recently wrote a song called Unsure.  It is about being unsure about the future, and about life, but knowing that I'm sure about the future God has for me.

Sometimes I feel like God is the only stable thing in my life.  Everything else is so uncertain... my career, future relationships, future living situations...  Ultimately I have to concentrate on the present, and find joy in all circumstances, even in the most difficult of times.

I need to keep a listening ear open to what God may tell me.  I'm trying to spend daily time in the Word and seek God harder than I know how.  Sometimes I fail, but that's when I'm learning to let it out and cry about it, but then not to dwell, but instead to move on and move forward, trying my hardest not to look back at my mistakes.

Harmony, if you ever read my blog, I can't tell you how much I miss you.  Zimbabwe is too far away.  It's so hard not to be able to get ahold of you on the spot, like when you lived here.  You give such great advice and possess so much wisdom.  God has gifted you over the top girl because you are not afraid to ask and use what's been given to you.  You have touched me on a deeper and more spiritual level than anyone.  Continue to use your gifts.  They are endless.  You use your name well, by bringing harmony to the lives of people around you and through your music.  I could go on and on, but bottom line... I miss you, and you are forever my sister in Christ.

Readers:
When have you felt uncertain about your future?
Did anything become clear to you?  If so, what?
Did you turn to anything/anyone for help?
If so, what help did that thing or person give you?
Did you turn to God for help?
How did God help you?
Do you have a friend, like Harmony for me, that has been there to give you encouragement and advice?

Israel, Egypt, and a Prayer to God

Sitting here on a rainy day, I've come to realize how much faster and more enjoyable life is when I'm doing things. I went to Israel and Egypt November 3-20th and had such a great time! My favorite story is that there was this old man in Bethlehem who was the boss of an olive wood shop. He saw me and said, "There are beautiful women in America. I will give your father 500 camels if you marry my son." I told him jokingly, "Well my dad's right up there. You can go ask him." I told my dad what the man had said, and my dad replied, "500, no, 600, yes!" It was the running joke of the tour. We later talked about how it would be hysterically disappointing if he shipped 500 camels made out of olive wood to home to Santa Barbara. But, if they were real camels, what would we do with them? I recommended we put all the camels in the stables near the llamas, across from Luther Glen near Camp Yolijwa and give camel rides to the campers to raise money for camp. haha. It was a pretty outrageous plan. Needless, to say, I will not be marrying a random Israel stranger's son.

I applied to Fuller Theological Seminary as a possibility for next year. I'm not sure if this is where God wants me next year, but it's worth a shot if nothing else comes up. Plus, I know I'm supposed to go into ministry, and this seems like a pretty fair option... okay more than fair. So, we'll see what happens with that.

Laura and I are throwing a Christmas party this Saturday and the weather forecast says it's suppose to rain... boo! Hopefully the party will be just as fun and eventful despite if it rains or not.

Another cool story about Israel and Egypt is that we had a healing service for my dad on the Nile River on a cruise ship. We were on the top deck and Pastor Harry anointed my dad's head with oil, we prayed over my dad and laid hands on him, and we all said the Lord's prayer together. Pastor Harry and another woman read from the book of James, in English and Spanish. Lord, help my dad and his unbelief that he will get better. Even if getting better means that he will not lose hope in life nor in you Lord Jesus.

I would like to end with a prayer...

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you for life, and the chances we get to save the world and make the world a better place. Thank you for the gift of Your forgiveness, love, and compassion. Help us to show these things to the people around us who have not seen your goodness. Bless the poor in spirit, the meek and the lonely. Heal the sick, the oppressed, the hungry and the needy. Let the people of this world change their ways to see, know, and worship You, our Lord, Jesus Christ. Heal my dad of Parkinson's Disease, help my sister to come back to and to know You and love You and long for You Lord God. Help my mom's confidence and turn her passivity into strength. Help my best friend's insecurities to turn into confidence about her body. Bring these beautiful people Your love, oh Lord, for it reaches to the heavens and stretches to the skies. Thank you for my faith but help my unbelief. Give me confidence, comfort and wisdom this Saturday as I'm set to do something challenging and vulnerable. I love you Lord. In Your name I pray Lord Jesus,

AMEN!

sometimes God slams doors, and opens a window a crack just to breathe

I feel as though I've been trapped in the presence of my own home. I love the condo I live in, and only recently with my housemate Laura, has it really become a place I call home. But I did not expect to feel trapped. I asked God to close doors (opportunities) where He did not want me and where His path for me does not lye. I assumed He would open a window or another door for me by now, but it feels as though not only is God closing and shutting doors right and left, He is slamming doors, and maybe opening the window a crack just so I can breathe, but not go through. I am referring to the jobs I have applied for, the friendships I try to continue, and the desires of my future.

Yes, I know God has a plan for me. I know. But, I'm not getting a glimpse of it. I applied and interviewed for a youth director job. That door closed. I applied for about four nanny/babysitting jobs. Those doors have almost all closed too. I applied for a couple jobs at Westmont. Those doors really slammed hard! It's not that I feel that no one wants me, it's that I haven't found where God wants me. It makes my heart cry out in pain and drench my face with water. I'm considering seminary, which means I'm opening myself up to every possible vulnerability I have. A tough academic load, growing and stretching of my faith, moving to a new place with no friends, yet trusting that God will carry me through.

The majority of my friends have moved, either out of the country, or to different places around the U.S. My best friend is my saving grace because she is still here. There are friends that just have not made the time nor effort to see me, although I have tried with them. There doesn't seem like a possibility of a romantic relationship anytime soon. I just don't know where nor how to meet Christian guys around here. I like one guy, but I don't think he is interested in me, nor does he live close at all. Another door shut. My sister has been really upset with me, thinks I judge her, and even told my mom, "At least you have a brother who you really love." I'm sad my sister doesn't love me. That is a slammed door to the heart. I hope she knows I will always love her, I don't judge her, and love her unconditionally for who she is.

On the upside, I've been reading some great books. I finished Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. Great book!!! I'm currently reading three books, one of which is The Shack, by WM. Paul Young. It's captivating so far. I recommend them.

I'm trying to better listen to God, to read His Word more frequently, to pray with a more listening heart, and ultimately be filled with the Holy Spirit. I know God has a plan and a purpose for my life, and all I pray is that I'm following Him the best I can. I love you Lord.

When have you ever felt "doors slamming" in your face or in your heart?

What windows or doors were opened instead?

What positives came out of that experience?

How did God lead you through the open door He wanted you to go through?

Did you go through the open door?