I feel as though I've been trapped in the presence of my own home. I love the condo I live in, and only recently with my housemate Laura, has it really become a place I call home. But I did not expect to feel trapped. I asked God to close doors (opportunities) where He did not want me and where His path for me does not lye. I assumed He would open a window or another door for me by now, but it feels as though not only is God closing and shutting doors right and left, He is slamming doors, and maybe opening the window a crack just so I can breathe, but not go through. I am referring to the jobs I have applied for, the friendships I try to continue, and the desires of my future.
Yes, I know God has a plan for me. I know. But, I'm not getting a glimpse of it. I applied and interviewed for a youth director job. That door closed. I applied for about four nanny/babysitting jobs. Those doors have almost all closed too. I applied for a couple jobs at Westmont. Those doors really slammed hard! It's not that I feel that no one wants me, it's that I haven't found where God wants me. It makes my heart cry out in pain and drench my face with water. I'm considering seminary, which means I'm opening myself up to every possible vulnerability I have. A tough academic load, growing and stretching of my faith, moving to a new place with no friends, yet trusting that God will carry me through.
The majority of my friends have moved, either out of the country, or to different places around the U.S. My best friend is my saving grace because she is still here. There are friends that just have not made the time nor effort to see me, although I have tried with them. There doesn't seem like a possibility of a romantic relationship anytime soon. I just don't know where nor how to meet Christian guys around here. I like one guy, but I don't think he is interested in me, nor does he live close at all. Another door shut. My sister has been really upset with me, thinks I judge her, and even told my mom, "At least you have a brother who you really love." I'm sad my sister doesn't love me. That is a slammed door to the heart. I hope she knows I will always love her, I don't judge her, and love her unconditionally for who she is.
On the upside, I've been reading some great books. I finished Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. Great book!!! I'm currently reading three books, one of which is The Shack, by WM. Paul Young. It's captivating so far. I recommend them.
I'm trying to better listen to God, to read His Word more frequently, to pray with a more listening heart, and ultimately be filled with the Holy Spirit. I know God has a plan and a purpose for my life, and all I pray is that I'm following Him the best I can. I love you Lord.
When have you ever felt "doors slamming" in your face or in your heart?
What windows or doors were opened instead?
What positives came out of that experience?
How did God lead you through the open door He wanted you to go through?
Did you go through the open door?
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